Bitter sweetness

My, did I have no idea what I was going to endure after my OB appt. Tuesday, Dec. 29th. My water was low-below normal, I was 3 cm dilated, her head circum. was 1.5 weeks ahead (normal but getting hard to push out) and there was an open bed so I was told to go to L & D to get induced and so I figured I had to comply. They started pit on me finally at 11:15 pm. Needless to say I got 1.5 hours sleep on Tuesday into Wednesday because pit was increased every 30 minutes and vitals were taken ever 1 hour so I always had someone coming in my room. I tried to just rest as best as I could since I saw I wasn't going to get any sleep. I finally got an epidural about 12 hours later or so because they really wanted to up the pit and make faster progress. By 6 pm I was finally fully dilated and 100 effaced and ready for the biggest pushing I've ever done before. during my pushing phase I didn't think I had an epidural at all. It was the worst pain ever, ever, ever! I'm not sure what the deal was with the epidural but it certainly let me down, lol. Jadyn Nicole was born at 8:41 pm weighing in at 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 19 inches long (incorrect we found out at the docs-20.5 rather). She scored a 9 twice on her APGAR score which was great and after I got to give her a kiss, she was carted off to the NICU for evaluation and monitoring. Once I finished on the L&D unit I was pushed over to the mother/baby unit around 12:30-1 in the morning, got checked in and went to see her around 1 ish in the morning on New Years Eve. She looked like she took up the entire warmer, lol. Big baby! She was doing well... on IV fluids because she was supposed to be getting surgery on New Years Day. Her head CT scan showed some fluid but the NICU doc said wait to discuss it with our doc, Dr. A later in the day when he comes in. We visited with her a little but I had to get back to the room because I was completely exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Plus, I felt like a train had just hit me and I actually lived through the crash, lol.

The next day anesthesia came in at 6 am and I signed her consent for surgery. I was waiting for neurosurg to come in and discuss the CT and get consents signed for that but the hours kept passing by without a rep from the team. Around 10:30-11 am Dr A came to visit us and had just been by to see Jadyn and said she looks wonderful. He showed us her CT scan and couldn't really explain how the vents decreased dramatically and how she had a head full of brain tissue but she wouldn't need surgery (just yet), she could leave the NICU because she didn't need to be there and she could go home with us on Friday, New Years Day. I was close to tears when I heard that but didn't cry. I was probably still too exhausted to cry, hehe. She only has moderate ventriculomegaly right now. We aren't in the clear but we are certainly better off than we EVER imagined we'd be. Maybe something helped going through the birth canal?? Beats me.

We finally got baby in our room around 1:30 in the afternoon and we were super excited just to be with her. I know I was supposed to take advantage of the nursery but after not being able to be with her the first night, I wasn't putting her there the 2nd night. New Years Eve had started out as one of the best days of my life until I got the call that my Harley baby had been attacked and was being rushed to the Pet ER, once again. Those who know his story two years ago understand why I said: once again. He was shaken by a dog back in 2007 in my front yard which was his first attack. His second was more serious. The dog got him around his neck and bit him hard causing major damage to his neck/airway/esophagus. He is currently trached =( This dog was out for blood and it was really an attack this time. The animal hospital was able to stabilize him and the first 12 hours are the most important. He made it through with flying colors as he always does. He is certainly my little trooper. He has been hanging in there this weekend while the surgical team was out but after evaluation today by the surgeon, he needs many repairs. I have been busy with baby so I was
avoiding the hospital but I went up to see him Sunday night and he is so pitiful looking but doing okay. He licked my nighttime lip balm-Burts Bees off my lips, twice. He did that every night I put it on. He still sits on your foot and throws himself back so you will scratch his belly and the insides of his thighs. He was doing all his normal Harley tricks. After conversation with the team this morning and hearing how extensive the damages are and what 1:1 care he would need, we decided not to put him through anymore suffering. He would maybe need a permanent trach and very likely a GT that could or could not be permanent depending on the damage they find when they open him up. For those who know me, they know I'd do anything for him no matter the cost and trachs and GTs are my speciality but I just can't take care of him and a newborn at the same time. He was put to sleep on Monday night in Jay's arms with the support of Jay's mom and my Dad. Jay had to be my representative as I just couldn't bring myself to be there. He was my first dog after 24 years of putting a dog on my Christmas list and he has been the best little guy for the past 5.5 years, even though a lot of the time I'd tell you otherwise. I know he was well taken care of, better than most dogs and even some human beings =). I know he knows it too. The house is very quiet without him even with a new baby and Jake still. Harley surely must have been the one who brought the excitement and or yelling, hehe =). He'll always be my "first born" even if he was only a pup.

It just stinks in this time of joy with our daughter and the great news about her health that we have to suffer through something like this. We just can't seem to get a break but I know no matter what, she is most important and that is what I'm trying to focus on.

On another note, Jayson was completely awesome during all of my hospital admission and I couldn't have done it without him. He was my own personal nurse and I'm thankful for that. He was also extremely helpful with Harley and visited him many times for me when I just couldn't bring myself do it. He is also doing a lovely job as a first time dad with feedings, diaper changes, burping and all that jazz. He is already too protective of her and doesn't want one single boy around, hehe.

We had our first pediatrician visit on Monday and her weight dropped a little and her bili went up a little too so we had another appt. on Wed. Her weight was stable but no gain and her bili decreased slightly. Since she didn't increase weight, we have another appt. tomorrow (Friday) and I'm praying she at least gained something. I've trying breast feeding and to be completely honest, it's the pitts but I'm giving it a honest effort before I quit. I know this is the best for her and it's has some pretty good advantages for me too. The doc wants me to offer her breast feeding every 2 hours and it's been tough to stick to an every 2 hour schedule. It takes almost 1 hour to get her awake, alert, latched, burped, switched to the other side, and do it all over again. We really have 1 hour in between feedings. I haven't stuck to an every 2 hour schedule as supposed to but I just can't. Overnight I alternate with Jay too because it's too much for me to be up every hour. We supplement with formula and she takes both nicely.

Hope everyone had a great new years! Even though we have been through a lot, we did have a very good one too as it was the first night we were all together as a family. My goal is to update as frequently as I can but everyone who is parent know how that goes. I finally found some time to get to this and it's been a week and 1 day later. I'll also try to post more pictures soon. The two I posted was from Sunday afternoon but I have taken a bunch on my phone. I just need to send them to my email.